"Would you Adam and Eve (believe) it? I was coming down the apples (apples and pears - stairs) after washing the old barnet (Barnet Fair - hair) when I came across me (my) trouble (trouble and strife - wife) . There she was, hands on hips standing next to her skin (skin and blister - sister) , both of them giving me an evil butchers (butcher's hook - look) and looking ready to deliver a serious kick to me cobblers (cobbler's awls - reproductive organs) . It didn't look as if I was being invited to partake in a nice cup of Rosie (Rosie Lee - tea) , anyway. The mood was as black as Newgate's knocker (knocker on the door of the 18th century Newgate Prison!) ! Experience has taught me that the trouble's butcher's meant I was deep in the Eartha (Eartha Kitt - doodo) and a nasty Barney (Barney Rubble - trouble, fight) was about to occur. Now, the old Dutch (Duchess of Fife - wife) ain't a bad sort. If I was honest, I'd say she spends a bit too much time on the dog (dog and bone - telephone) with her skin and she keeps me permanently borassic (borassic lint - skint) ! She's a good Mum to our saucepans (saucepan lids - kids) , though, and keeps me, by and large on the straight and narrow. Other than the occasional hiccup following the old tin-tack (sack, dismissal from work) , anyway! Somehow me and serious work are a bit like chalk and cheese. Anyway back to the issue at hand. From the yells heading in my direction, I deduced that me (my) trouble's skin had seen me in the pub last night having a quiet bowler (bowler hat - chat) with an old brass (brass cart - tart, easy-going lady) who I'd known for donkeys (donkey's ears - years) . It obviously didn't help my case greatly when the brass was reported as having a pretty boat (boat race - face) and none too shabby bristols (Bristol cities - breasts) . Apparently, there was also a modicum of over-friendliness occurring between me and the brass! I have to say, I was feeling a bit nervous at this point as the last time I aggravated me trouble for doing (gambling away) the housekeeping (money) on a nag (racehorse) long due for the glue factory (past its best) , she fetched me a quick and sudden boot in the Khyber (Khyber Pass - posterior) which did me Nuremburgs (Nuremburg Trials - piles) no good at all. Furthermore, she physically bunged me from the gaff (ejected me from our house) leaving me ball and chalking (walking) down the frog (frog and toad - road) with a limp like a surprise pony (pony and trap - bowel movement) had crept up on me. I ended up feeling like a complete Hampton (Hampton Wick - male member) with a massively sore Khyber, screaming plates (plates of meat - sore feet) and farmers (Farmer Giles - piles) that felt like cricket balls. Maybe, me old Dutch is mellowing 'cos this time the assault was limited to a nasty verbal (a good telling - off) egged on by her vicious skin aggravating the situation by accusing me of telling porkies (pork pies - lies) .
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